2002-03-08 - 9:06 a.m.

We Want You!

The Conglomeration Association of Organized Neo-Milkmen Charitable Society and Social Club are seeking recruits to fill positions all over the United States. This is your opportunity to have one of the most enviable jobs ever. Not only do you get paid, but you get the satisfaction of fulfilling a family member's basic needs - as well as milk. 

What we have to offer:

  • Placement - Positions are available nationwide in your home town!
  • Pay - We offer a decent starting salary with incredible fringe benefits!
  • Time Off - Flexible vacation and sick days in coordination with other Neo-Milk People. No customer should ever go unserviced.
  • Pre-screening - All customers on your route will be pre-screened for sexually and psychologically transmittable diseases. No guns or weaponry will be allowed in their houses.
  • Uniforms - We provide 7 sets of bright white uniforms, hats and pleather black belt. Shirts will have a patch over the left pocket with your first name or pseudonym. You must provide your own shoes, socks, and clean unstained white skivvies.
  • Transportation - We provided you with your own truck and gasoline allowance.

What we want:

  • Everyone! - People of all shapes, sizes, sexes, orientations, ethnicities, etc., etc.
  • Efficiency - Willingness to service your customers within a 15 minute period of time (who knows when the significant other will return home for a briefcase or lunch?).
  • Timeliness - Ability to stay on schedule.
  • Perform Simple Tasks - Ability to (or get someone else to) carry a six pack of half gallon milk glass jars. Ability to learn how to drive an old 1950s truck.
  • Pure Appearance - Clean cut, shaven and a willing smile.
  • Odors - No perfume or cologne. Just the soft, clean smell of ivory soap will be accepted.
  • Ordinary People - We don't need exceptionally good-looking people. In fact, we discourage it. We don't want your customers forming unnecessary attachments & leave their families for their "dream person". You will have many others to service. 
  • Sexual Abilitities - Standard missionary & doggy style methods are preferred (for ease and quickness). We do have routes available for sexual deviants. Relocation may be required.

If this sounds like you - or you would like it to be you - email us with your best characteristics and qualities for the job.


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